Depression

Hangdog

Contrary to what other people have been constantly telling me, I am not a selfish human being, unable to sacrifice my own happiness for others. I want to tell them how wrong they are, how they’ve barely even touched surface of who I really am, and that I don’t even have much ‘happiness’ to sacrifice in the first place. I also don’t want their words to get to me. Most days it doesn’t, but when I have particularly bad days and the dementors are more eager to feed off of me more than usual, their words sink in and go up, up, up towards my storm clouded mind, and I start to believe what they are saying, overruling what I know in my mind to be true.

I want to tell them how much I’ve suffered from being manipulated, for continuously being dismissed and told off like a child who doesn’t know any better. But I won’t, because I know I will only be told to get my head out of my ass, and that there are people having worse problems. And I know there are. Oh, yes, do I know. And it is unfair that I am being compared to them because I certainly do not hold a candle to what these people are going through. That, however, does not make my feelings irrelevant.

Of course no one really knows this because I’m not someone who readily talks about my feelings. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why they think I’m someone who can easily be pressured to do something because I hardly ever vocalize my displeasure. Entirely my fault, that. I should have expressed myself. Then again, they didn’t even think of asking me how I felt about it. They never asked. Well they did, albeit exasperatedly, as if trying to humor me.

I think I should work on that, on talking about my feelings and opening up to people. I think the only person I’ve fully opened up to was my feelings doctor (yes, that’s a euphemism. Make of that what you will), but I don’t think that counts because I was REQUIRED to tell my feelings. I suppose I can write them down, as per her suggestion (and mine. I think I made her suggest it to me, because I’d give for any excuse to write), and so far, I do feel lighter.

I suck at endings. I’ll leave it here until the next entry, which I hope will be eons happier than this one. You win tonight, dementors.

– Nicole xx

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