Feelings, Slice of life

Road to Redemption

Owning up to making mistakes is not easy to do, especially if one is used to following the rules and doing the right thing.

I think, however, that admitting your mistake and trying to make amends (if you can), is one of the first things you can do to heal your troubled soul.

I turned into someone I am not very proud of these past few days. While it is true that it takes two to tango, I would still like to blame myself for bringing this upon me, and for not stopping when my mind suddenly went into dangerous territory: infatuation.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve been infatuated before, but certainly not to this degree. I suddenly found myself acting like someone I would have told to “grow a spine” (but in a nice way, of course). I was addicted to being affirmed. Perhaps I was a) feeling lonely after suddenly having too much free time (I am on summer break from school), and b) trying to recreate the love story I always imagined I would have. B was completely unfair to him. He was a real human being. No matter how badly he treated me, I should have been the better and wiser person.

But I wasn’t. Like an addict going through stages of withdrawal, I exhausted all means to get a fix, once this blew all over me. I felt helpless without his admittedly scarce texts, and his phone calls devoid of any emotional affection. Still, I didn’t care. I wanted to feel that ‘high’ again, even though I knew this was detrimental to my psyche. Hell, even he knew my attachment to him was unhealthy. He should have cut ties with me early on, but I guess he kept me around for the ego boost, and because I put up with his distant behavior.

This is something I would rather keep to myself to maintain my squeaky clean image of being a sensible, level-headed woman, but I have since realized that even the most intelligent people can become susceptible to acting irrationally. It is useless to try and cover this up; the best way is to own up to it, learn from it, move forward, and avoid making the same mistake again. That is precisely what I am trying to do as I type this entry. If I could, I would reach out and apologize to him, but sometimes, we get no closure. Besides, I have no means of reaching out to him without seeming stalker-ish, and I am not going down that road again. And anyway, no amount of apology can also undo or lessen his negative feelings (which are valid and I completely emphathize with) towards me.

So now I am trying to spin this incredibly embarrassing blunder into something that will help me grow as a person, by listing my realizations:

1. Admitting one’s mistake is difficult, but shows emotional maturity. I behaved immaturely, and this is the first step towards becoming a more mature individual.

2. My self-worth should not heavily rely on someone else. I’m happy I was able to re-evaluate how I perceive myself, why I have developed this perception of myself, and how I can improve.

3. It is unfair to project your fantasies on the person you are seeing, and get heavily upset when he does not meet your expectations.

4. Do not ignore red flags just because he said the right things. Actions speak louder than words.

5. Before plunging into the chaotic chasm we like to call ‘romantic love’, we have to make sure we are whole, so the other person does not become a piece of the puzzle we desperately need (more often than not, the puzzle piece doesn’t fit).

I will still have my bad days, and will grieve about this failed pseudo-relationship, but I will try my very best to emerge from this a stronger, better, wiser, and kinder human being.

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Feelings

No More Tears

I watched Miracle on Cell # 7, a wad of tissues and a pillow on either side of me. I was fully expecting to sob, as it is a touching story about a father and his daughter. Stories that heavily feature father-daughter relationships make me sad, because while I know from my childhood memories (the ones I can vividly remember) that my dad loved me very much, I did not get to spend a lot of time with him, thanks to the illness he tried to fight for almost a decade, but eventually claimed him.

This outflow of feelings is making me uncomfortable, so I shall try getting to the point.

Sure enough, I felt the proverbial tugging at the heartstrings, but not enough to bring on the waterworks. Thing is, I know for sure that letting it all out makes me feel better, but years of trying to repress my emotions have rendered me unable to fully show how I really feel. I can only comfortably show my feelings to a certain extent; more than that and I will try veering towards a different subject. Case in point, the sentence above this paragraph.

What I find strange is that, in spite of this, I am touted as sensitive, as in, my feelings get hurt easily. Apparently, it’s all over my face, whatever emotion I may be feeling. Sans the tears. So maybe I’m not as repressed as I think I am. Still, I know for sure that I have a long way to go in getting the hang of this.

I know bursting into tears isn’t an indicator of me getting a hold of my feelings (the irony in that statement), but for me, it is a very, very big step.

 

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Feelings

Greasing Up Those Bets and Betters

Sometimes, whenever I’m in the middle of doing something, I get this nagging feeling that I ought to be doing something else, that I am wasting away precious time doing whatever task I’m doing at that moment. I try not to let it get to me, lest I overthink and be guaranteed to fall (yet again) into the vortex of doldrums. The thing is, I am very, VERY aware of what I am supposed to do. I even have a checklist of goals and objectives for it! But sometimes, things get delayed and you’re at a crossroads as to whether you should continue to pursue it, or erase it and change it to something more feasible to the circumstances you’re in. I am looking at other options, but the thing is, I have so many options to look at, I can’t decide which one would bring me closer to my goal. So I just end up singing the Scissor Sisters’ ‘I Can’t Decide a la John Simm’s The Master (Doctor Who). It does help ease the anxiety that comes with being confused, but it does nothing to put a check on that perfect square checkbox beside one of my objectives.

As I am writing this down, the nagging feeling creeps in again, as if to tell me, “Stop writing and focus on me instead”. I think whatever is nagging me is my impatient side. I am a very impatient person. I detest long queues. Whenever I ask someone to do something for me, I try to hold back on telling them to finish it immediately. Strange thing is, while I am very impatient, I am also a huge procrastinator. To tell you the truth, I practically crammed my way through school, from elementary to university, even until the board exam. And yet, I’ve never had the nagging feeling as strong as the one I keep having.

Maybe I should finally do something about it, to at least give me a peace of mind. It started creeping into my dreams, and I want it to stop, because I am very in touch with any residual feelings from my dreams, good or bad. It’s enough to bother me all day, hell, when I was a teenager, it was enough for me to develop a full-fledged crush!

Yes, I will finally do something about it. Tomorrow. I haven’t really kicked the procrastinating habit yet. It’s on my to-do list, though, which I have yet to do, naturally.

 

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